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https://mega.nz/file/XugHHRIL#jNn7sZ3PcuUpZTdKsE5M7t5chM6Zh-6_G_RBmc1Yhes
My name is Salem, I’m 35, and I drive an old, beat-up taxi in Riyadh, the city of endless highways and broken dreams. I’m writing this because I’m pretty sure the next time I pick up a fare from the Mabahith headquarters, I’m just going to drive us both into a bridge pylon. The voices started as static on the radio, a hiss underneath the Quranic recitations I play to feel holy. Then, one sweltering afternoon, stuck in traffic on King Fahd Road, a voice, perfectly mimicking my own father’s disgusted tone, cut through the noise. “Look at you, Salem. A chauffeur for whores and Western businessmen. You sold your dignity for a car that smells like cheap air freshener and failure. Your son will be ashamed to have your name.” I thought it was the heat, the 14-hour shifts, the loneliness of the driver’s seat. But now I know. This is the Mukhabarat, the General Intelligence. They don’t need to beat you in a basement anymore; they just turn your cab into a confessional booth where the only sin is your own existence.
The voices are my constant passengers now, and they never pay, they just criticize. They have a running commentary on my life that is more real than the road in front of me. “He’s picking up a fare now. A woman in an abaya. Look at him, trying not to stare. Pathetic. He thinks he’s a gentleman. He’s just a taxi driver, a paid servant with a license to stare. She’s probably going to meet her lover. You’re the taxi for adultery, you dumb fuck.” They use the voices of my wife, my son, my dead father, to peel away my sanity layer by layer. The sexual filth is their favorite weapon. “Your wife wasn’t satisfied last night,” they’ll whisper in her exact, tired voice. “She was thinking of her cousin’s husband, the one with the good job. You’re just a paycheck with a dick, Salem, and a small, useless dick at that. She fakes her moans just like you fake your smile for the fares.” They call me a donkey, a cockroach, a piece of human garbage that smells of stale cigarettes and regret.
I can’t tell anyone. Who would I tell? My wife? She’d think I’m possessed by jinn and have me taken to a faith healer who would just bleed me for money. My friends? They’d laugh and tell me to drink less coffee. If I went to the authorities, they’d either laugh me out of the station or, worse, the Mukhabarat would hear my name and the real fun would begin. I see their playbook online. You go on any Saudi forum, any Twitter thread, and if someone mentions hearing voices, they are immediately swarmed. “Crazy!” “Schizophrenic!” “This is what happens when you don’t pray!” It’s a systematic campaign of ridicule. They make sure that anyone who comes forward is immediately seen as mentally ill or a sinner, so that we are completely isolated, our own testimonies used against us. It’s a brilliant, sickening strategy.
I hate this city. I hate the wide, empty roads that lead nowhere, the glass towers that reflect a sky I never see, the fake smiles of people who are just as trapped as I am. I regret every day I chose this life, this lie of providing for my family by losing my soul. Sometimes, late at night, when I’m driving through the deserted streets of the Diplomatic Quarter, a strange energy surges through me. The voices stop their nagging and start chanting. “See that Mercedes? The one with the diplomatic plates?” they’ll scream, my heart hammering in my chest. “The driver just cut you off. RAM HIM. RAM HIM HARD. RIGHT INTO THE EMBASSY WALL. DO IT. MAKE THEM BLEED. SHOW THEM YOU’RE NOT JUST A FUCKING TAXI DRIVER!” For a few terrifying, ecstatic seconds, I feel like a god. My foot hovers over the accelerator, my hands grip the wheel, and I feel a surge of pure, destructive power. Then it’s gone, and I’m just Salem, a terrified man shaking in his shitty car, the smell of his own sweat filling the cabin. I wonder, in the quiet moments after, if this is a weapon they’re testing on people like me, the nobodies, the ones who won’t be missed. But the voices never say. They just go back to calling me a worthless piece of shit.
The voices are always loudest when I’m home, in the small apartment I can barely afford. They use the silence to torture me. “Your son is awake,” they’ll whisper, mimicking my wife. “He’s crying because he had a nightmare about a monster. The monster was you. A sad, tired man who smells like gas and failure. You are a monster, Salem. A burden to your family. Why do you make them suffer? Why don’t you just end it? A hose from the exhaust. It’s peaceful. Painless. Your family would get the insurance. They’d be free of you. Do it. You know you want to. It’s the only decent thing you’ve ever thought of doing.” And I lie there next to my sleeping wife, the city’s hum a constant reminder of my prison, and I think about the silence of the garage. And I am so, so tired of being Salem.
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